Never Enough - Faith & Grace

I recently wrote a post titled, “A Day in the Life” , which describes some of the more basic and daily struggles of battling PCOS, chronic fatigue, and insomnia. This post builds on that premise and shares some of my internal battles. I have always believed in praising God no matter the circumstances, yet I have come to more fully realize a truth. Our Lord does not call us to praise Him after the storm has passed. He desires us to worship Him even in the midst of the unsettled times. Knowing and realizing God’s truth are not always the same thing… Realizing and living His truths are not the same either. Then, there is sharing the Truths our Father gives us to His other children. Sharing with others as we walk in the wilderness is DEFINITELY different than knowing, realizing, or wandering all together. In theory it is so much easier to share battles after they are won. Battles currently being fought don’t seem to call for sharing or celebrating especially when it ...

As I struggle with health issues that spur on additional difficulties and magnify existing problems, it is hard for others to understand and difficult even for me to fully communicate how desperately I need prayer and support (including professional help – for proper diagnose and insight in managing the minefield in which I am walking). Here is a day in the life for me lately: I awake and simultaneously realize either: how tired I feel or how sore my body is. Neither are the best feeling to wake up and have. I pray and either grab a few more minutes of sleep… or I slowly rise and try to ignore the waves of nausea that wash over me. I put on an outfit I could wear a weak ago, but today is doesn’t fit well. I am too bloated to wear any of my business pants, yet I know today I will bleed through a skirt or dress... I end up in a dress that doesn’t zip all the way right now, but I can disguise the ill-fit with a jacket over the dress… maybe the hot flashes won’t happen today...

As I have struggled with PCOS, insomnia, chronic fatigue, and weight gain, I spent a lot of time condemning myself. I’d chastise myself when I was so tired I had to sleep in my car during lunch. I’d criticize myself the days I didn’t make a significant work out happen. I began curating this environment of dissidence as I began believing my inner self critic more and more and not in a self-development way but in an unfavorable, un-survivable way. I had handed the microphone to my inner critic and allowed that critic to squash my self-confidence and destroy my development. I became unable to deny the lies of that critic and the Devil built on my weakness. As I broke down more and more, God persistently encouraged me to talk to someone. I struggled to share this specific weakness because there were so many unknowns. When I did begin to share with others all types of questions always arose before I could finish sharing: “What causes PCOS?” “Can’t you take some kind of med...

At first glance I thought there was something on my shirt as I looked over my outfit before going to work… Then, I realized 'no, there’s something on the inside underneath my shirt not on it'… When I raised the thin, soft, cotton fabric, I literally gasped as my heart skipped a beat, my stomach hit the floor, and bile rose in my throat. I stood looking in the mirror in shock as tears threatened to spill from my eyes. Suddenly there was a heavy weight which dropped on my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was sinking as pure anguish followed by disgust washed over me… Then, ever the realist with undertones of optimism, I thought are my eyes playing tricks on me? I dropped the bottom of my shirt and readjusted my clothing to be sure all was in place and looked at the mirror again. Then reality sank in… a lump formed in my throat… The stretch marks on my stomach were showing through the fabric of my shirt. I started to think: 'I can’t believe it', bu...

“It is something I have been struggling with for a while…” I hear myself say in a tone of voice that betrays me as it conveys an energy and upbeat nature I haven’t truly been in some time. “I haven’t really figured it out yet except for one small insight: I reach a point and I just have to crash for a day.”  I end with a convincing smile and turn the conversation towards the women in the car with me. ‘I don’t actually catch up.’ I think to myself. ‘The crash just prevents the huge fall that would happen if I didn’t – a more catastrophic fall.’ I hear my thoughts working overtime to justify my fears. Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I guess I have been insane for a while…. though I am working towards sanity – or what I used to know as sanity. A ‘sane for me’ let’s call it. Let me explain what ‘sane for me’ used to look like: Waking in the early morning Having prayer time before clim...

Life with PCOS, chronic fatigue, and insomnia is a life full of struggles few can really see and even fewer understand. After one excruciating day where I had received some strong chastisement for recent sickness, I consulted with a dear friend who is a nurse: “What is wrong with me?! Yes, I know: I don’t look sick.” (My voice cracks. It is all I can do not to sob.) My friend, quick to comfort me, says “Just because you don’t look sick doesn’t mean you aren’t! That’s stupid to say.” With her words the tears that had been locked in place that I'd bottled up just poured down my face. 'Thank you, Lord. I needed to hear that grace.' While this conversation continued, and I shared the challenge of being considered ‘young’ to others, so a lack of energy and frequent sicknesses were not well understood. I shared the challenge of having health issues that cause other issues. Then a deep, overwhelming cycle develops where each issue feeds in to and increases the negative...

"We do not always recognize the wilderness when we first cross its borders." Christie Purifoy ~ Roots & Sky It happened gradually for me… similar to the sea. At first, there were calm waters… followed by a strong wave of misery. Next, there were raging storms… which made me so lost I couldn’t see. Then, there was a lull in the pain… Unfortunately, this just sailed me towards disbelief. Suddenly, I'm in the eye of the storm… The rain is so thick, the waves beat and beat me. Finally, all is calm and it is night at sea… A deep, mesmerizing calmness exists on the open water. This calm makes me falter. I wonder surrounded by the great waters and full starry sky... Was it all a fictitious lie? I really don’t know what to believe. Due to absence of strong waves and the presence of extreme fatigue,  I wander and wonder vaguely sure…  Will anyone fine me? I am lost at sea. ~ I would definitely describe my wilderness like that of the sea. As I ...

"You don't look sick." These were the words I heard as I faced another adult woman. Wow. It definitely stung. My initial thoughts were ‘I feel worse right now than I did yesterday.’ and ‘At least I am here.’ Neither were appropriate responses in this confrontation, so after a pause and a search of the other person’s eyes I responded, “Thank you.” And continued on with business as usual. I had missed work recently and was struggling to live life even half way to the fullest. I was in survival mode - just do what has to be done: get up, go to work, work well, get home safely, and try not to be an ‘angry bear’ especially once my husband comes home. I don’t believe people are purely defined by their struggles or their successes nor by their strengths or their weaknesses; however, I do believe God uses challenges of this fallen world to sharpen our resolve to live for His glory and seek His will. A difficult I am facing lately in this fallen world is dealing with so...

If we're being honest, it is not a new fact that life includes doing things we don't want to do 'for your own good' as we were probably all told at some point or another. Adults often tell children 'for your own good' as a way to explain or give purpose and reason without great detail. Obviously learning is a process, and we can't explain everything to children all at once. I don't even know an adult who can understand everything at once! When children are told to eat their vegetables, a not uncommon question is 'why?' and of course the answer is usually 'for your own good'. Now some vary their response with creativity. I can remember an aunt who had be convinced carrots would make my eyes gorgeous! All I had to do was eat lots of them! I can remember my mom telling my brother he had to eat more so he could be 'strong'. When a 'why' question comes along again and again even after a couple of 'for your own good...